Stop the Lights!

Probe into top-ups for €150,000 charity chiefs - Irish Independent, March 6 2012
Ruhama's most recent account details - filed June 2010(pdf file)
Ruhama's most recent Biennial Report 2007/2008 - showing funding sources(pdf file)

Maybe I am going to make myself unpopular here, but as far as I can tell Ruhama is effectively redundant.

We already have stringent laws against trafficking that need enforcing, and *ALL* victims of trafficking (whether sexual or not) are equally abused and traumatised and deserving of the same treatment and resources as sexually trafficked women…but trafficking is a totally different issue to prostitution…and should be kept seperate.

Ruhama are claiming to support and speak for “women in prostitution” but I cannot find any “women in prostitution” who want the legislation to take their incomes away and/or eradicate their livelihood that Ruhama have lately devoted themselves to campaigning for. I can’t even find any women in prostitution who want to engage with Ruhama at all beyond being polite and/or appeasing them.

I chose that last word “appeasing” with care because, right from the start (in 1989) until now, the most universal attitude to Ruhama I have found among sex workers is a sense of needing to appease Ruhama, “or else”.

That, in and of itself, is wrong.The government should not be funding any organisation that makes the people it claims to support feel threatened!

Whatever the original intention (and with the same two orders not closing their Magdalene Laundries until 1996, 7 years after founding Ruhama, it requires some serious mental gymnastics to assume those intentions to have been spotless by today’s standards) Ruhama has consistently failed to win the trust, or meet the needs, of women in prostitution for 23 years.

23 years after they were founded, Ruhama still does not seems to have any sex workers or former sex workers on salary as cleaners, let alone at decision making levels!

Sex workers are not children or pound dogs…they are more than capable of articulating their needs, limits and opinions for themselves, so there does come a time when you have to ask yourself why on earth the state is paying €700,000 pa for an organisation that excludes them and claims to speak for them without mandate, or even real consultation?

Think how many women could be offered real chances to exit prostitution from within mainstream educational, vocational and other services with that €700,000 instead?

The recession has hit, the days of big, grant harvesting NGOs is over in a far more general sense, more of them are losing funding (largely due to value for money issues) every year and their places are being taken over by far more effective and representative self funding stakeholder co-operatives in every area, why not also sex work?

Give sex workers a legal amnesty for the next 3 years and full facillitation to set up their own peer representative group or union, and let whatever remains of Ruhama be amalgamated with their sister organisations, Irish Council for Immigration and Doras Luimni, into a single organisation concerned with trafficking, asylum seekers and the significant human rights issues in our immigration services that can be tackled more easily now we are bust and nobody much wants to immigrate anyway…so there is really no excuse for retaining punitive deterrant arrangements for asylum seekers.

On the one hand, the Rescue industry (Ruhama et al) portrays all sex workers as forced, coerced or having slipped into "this lifestyle as a result of an abusive/dysfunctional background or as a result of manipulation/grooming or addiction/desperation. The "Pretty Woman" scenario is at the other end of the spectrum and is probably a highly fictionalised and glamorised version of the true reality and experiences of the vast majority of sex workers.

The truth is that sex work probably encompasses a broad spectrum of methods of work and experiences ranging from complete slavery (Muslim women in the Bosnian war) and the type of underage sex work associated with places such as Thailand to high class trophy mistresses maintained at great expense in luxury. 

There is a middle ground, where women choose to undertake this work, albeit without any glamorised preconceptions and high expectations of job satisfaction. The distinction can be made, from the prostitute's perspective, between "survival" prostitution where it is the last possible option to ensure financial survival/dig ones way out of debt,  and “elective" prostitution, made as a choice after a number of less than ideal options have been analysed and prostitution seems the most financially attractive. 

The rescue industry are pushing their own agenda here, whether from a radical feminist perspective, from a moralistic/theological perspective or from a somewhat less altruistic perspective, the desire to exert influence and control over others and to gain backing/funding to allow them to continue to operate and draw good salaries. 

I have no objection to Ruhama or any other organisation offering help to those who need and want to avail of that help or who set out to combat enforced sexual slavery or involuntary exploitation, but it is a giant leap to move from this standpoint to tell people that "we know what is in your best interests" and "we will force the type of help on you that we decide, irrespective of whether you need it or want it".

I think this is all about making themselves relevant in society by championing a perceived just cause by portraying it as a simple two sided moral debate, and using this to extend their influence and justify increased funding. 

Ruhama would not be the first "NGO", which a group of concerned professionals (usually from the social sciences/caring disciplines) set up to advance a cause/agenda and to secure state funding, so that they could essentially compete with areas of the public/civil service including the HSE etc., who are already addressing these types of service needs anyway. 

I have seen statistics being massaged and the range of services provided and the numbers being assisted greatly exaggerated in order to justify exchequer funding and to enhance public fundraising campaign and event. Many of these NGOs are nothing more than duplicative self-serving white elephants and the easiest way to identify them is to compare the proportion of their income that goes on salaries and on publicity/campaigning/advocacy compared to the actual services that they are intended to deliver to their target market. That is the proof of the pudding.

As many of you are no doubt aware, the two religious congregations who established Ruhama have a long history of working with those affected by prostitution; but it was not just prostitutes per say, but also women who had pregnancies out of wedlock, women who were being abused through no fault of their own, young women who were maybe just a bit too free and easy, or provided too much temptation to men, and women and children who were deemed unable to look after themselves due to poverty. 

For these women and children, the Good Shepherd Sisters and Our Lady of Charity Sisters (amongst others) offered help through a penitential life of prayer and obedience and hard work (mostly washing clothes). They were basically forced to live the life of nuns within an enclosed order, without having freely chosen that life style and were exploited for their labour by these good Christians. 

The Magdalene laundries incarcerated women and children and broke their spirits and institutionalised many of them, and those that got out where often very poorly educated and were ill equipped to make a go of life on they outside. This was allowed to happen because society at large, the state (politicians, health care system, education, legal system, gardai) and the church all colluded in hiding what did not fit our idealised view of holy Catholic Ireland from the nation........and of course, much of this edifice was state funded. 

Today, neither Ruhama, nor any other organisation would get away with what was done to these people over decades in the past,  at least one would hope they wouldn’t, but you do have to question people trying to force an agenda on society, offering help and solutions to people who have not been asked what type of help they really need or if they even want help, and justifying their existence as a provider of "help" to secure public funding. If Ruhama want to know what would help prostitutes, they should go and ask prostitutes, because they should know better than anyone else what they want or need.

In the meantime, it is easier to peddle questionable statistics from unrepresentative sample populations and get the public to buy into black and white soundbites i.e. prostitution = trafficking and trafficking = prostitution. 

Of course not all trafficked people are prostitutes and not all prostitutes have been trafficked or coerced in some manner, and we already have quite strong laws against trafficking which just need to be rigorously enforced and of course policed. 

So instead of throwing money at Ruhama to police the bedroom antics of consenting men and woman, how about resourcing the gardai to tackle trafficking and organised and controlled prostitution instead? If Primetime could do, and if TV3 can do it tonight, and if a single guy behind a computer screen in the back of beyond can do it for the best part of two years, then the money that goes in Ruhama, if redirected to the gardai, should well and truely be able to do it.

Ruhama are not trying to tackle human trafficking for the purposes of prostitution, rather they want to stop prostitution in all its manifestations. To stop prostitution effectively, they need to cut off both the supply and demand side. On the demand side,  you have the differences between the male and female libido and the fact that it is much easier for a woman to have her needs met according to her choice. The needs of men are more driven and not so easily met, so a demand for sexual services exists. 

An escort recently posted a thread on interesting facts that you may not have know about Ireland. It looks like it was late 90s vintage, but what was interesting in relation to this debate was the following: men going out with a girlfriend had sex on average 4 times per week, married men on average 1.5 times per week, and unattached singles on average once per six months. If we assume that the guys having sex 4 times per week are an average representative of Irish males of a legal and sexually active age and indicate how often guys would have sex or like to have sex if the opportunity presented itself, then a lot of Irish males are not getting their sexual needs met. 

The case from Limerick last November gave an insight into some of the types of men that resort to frequenting prostitutes. I would imagine that for quite a few, prostitution was the only means of experiencing physical intimacy with another human being. 

The sad fact of life is that there just isn't somebody for everybody in the audience. Whether a person has a disability, is not physically attractive, is getting on in years, lacks social confidence or graces or self-esteem, is socially isolated or just isn't having their needs met in the manner they would like them to be met for whatever reason; the factors which create demand are all around us. Apart from targeting clients and turning some lonely, some elderly, some disabled or some sexually unfulfilled men into criminals, having them fined, named and shamed and put on a sex offenders register, does Ruhama have any answer to dealing with these underlying factors of demand?......other than prayer and offering it up to God as some form of penance. If the clergy with their oath of celibacy can't keep their hands of women, other men (and unfortunately children in too many cases), what hope exists for us mere mortals.

Now to the supply side. If we exclude the forced aspects of prostitution such as trafficking, coercion, violence, blackmail, and those who are conned into it by false promises or who are manipulated and groomed for it via abusive/dysfunctional life situations/experiences, we are left with those who make a conscious voluntary choice through lack of other viable choices or because it might be better financially than the realistic alternatives on offer. 

If Ruhama had their way and clients were criminalised, then this means of earning an income would be taken from these people or they would end up being driven into much more clandestine and dangerous situations in trying to earn a living. Therefore while claiming to work to help people affected by prostitution, Ruhama's help is to effectively make life more dangerous for prostitutes and try to deny them a living from sex work.  But other than counselling and training courses (though worthwhile and beneficial from a personal development perspective for those in need of this) they don't provide access to any employment opportunities or to social benefits or some form of safety net, that isn't already being provided for by some state agency or other. 

It all sounds a bit like a faith based self-help group such as maybe AA, except it's for prostitutes. Now if I were a recovering alcoholic, I would listen and hopefully learn from the experiences of a similar other, but if I were contemplating marriage I wouldn’t sit down to be lectured at by a celibate Catholic priest, and if I were a prostitute I would wish to engage with others who understand prostitutes and prostitution from first hand experience. 

What exactly do Ruhama have to offer to the voluntary prostitute who hates the work and would love to exit prostitution above and beyond what other agencies etc can offer, such as employment in a reasonably well paid and rewarding job, that gives her financial security, has advancement potential, gives her the flexibility she might need (as a sole parent for example) etc.? Can Ruhama extricate him/her from the mire that causes the person to enter prostitution in the first place? 

If we are talking low self-esteem, dependence, coming to terms with a history of abuse, then maybe they can put something in place to help people come to terms with these issues and rescue the individual concerned and start them on a new life. But if they can't provide them with a financial safety-net that meets their needs, then why are they insisting on the one that currently exists for those that need it.

This all reminds me of a Late Late Show I saw some time back, where a female former member of the Irish Defence forces was a guest. She had written a book about her experiences of a peace keeping mission to Ethiopia or Sudan or Eritrea (that general part of the world in any event). When a new Irish battalion arrived at the base, the soldiers including this female soldier were issued with a large supply of condoms on their first day. 

There was very little in the locality (off the base) with the exception of bars cum brothels. Many Irish troops would socialise there for both the drink and the sex. Seemingly many of the men in the village either went elsewhere for work, or were fighting in some war/civil war or had died or been killed; in any event the place was basically just women and children surviving in abject poverty. 

The ex-soldier recounted that very often women would provide sexual services in exchange for food for themselves and their children; in some cases a pizza would get a peace keeper what he desired. No doubt, in many cases the soldiers gave away food to these people without any strings attached, but if they were based there for six months, away from wives/girlfriends etc. they soon found out that food or small amounts of money could get them the sort of "home comforts" that the army does not provide. 

I wondered why Pat Kenny at the time never asked her where the other organs of the UN or all the various NGOs were who make a big issue of helping these people or fund raise for this purpose. The food and money that the women got could very often be traded for essential medicines or other essentials also. It seems to me that Irish punters in uniform kept women and children alive when nobody else was there. Of course the program and the book caused something of an outrage, after all the Irish Army was placed under the protection of the Blessed Virgin Mary some decades ago. If I can recollect, I think the condom distribution was discontinued thereafter and the village may have been placed out of bonds. Whether or not something else was put in place for those women, I don't know.

So if Ruhama was to shut down the supply of prostitution, they need to be able to do what no police force, what no government, what no NGO, what no supranational body or organisation, including the United Nations has ever managed to do. Because trafficking and prostitution are both international issues, and involve moments of people whether by force or by choice, they would need to:

* end poverty and relative or comparative poverty on a world-wide scale.

* provide full employment everywhere

* end exclusion or discrimination against women (education,social, employment) everywhere

* combat trafficking, sex-tourism ect. everywhere.

* put in place decent social provisions for everyone at risk of falling through the cracks (unemployment assistance, single parent benefits, child benefits, rent allowances, deserted wives benefits, heath care, training/education) worldwide.

Ruhama might make a small start by lobbying the government to rescind some of the welfare and allowance cutbacks and ease off on taxing the already hard pressed citizens and driving them into the black economy including possibly sex work. If they prostitute the entire nation to pay off the gambling debts of bankers and developers, do they really expect us just to lie back, shut up and smile, and take whatever is shoved at us and then to really rub the salt into the wounds, accept the likes of Ruhama taking away the livelihood of 1000+ women and criminalising tens of thousands of men. 

The proposed law is a lunacy on many fronts. They spend their time criminalising that which does not need to be criminalised (see blasphemy law), they won't criminalise the sort of reckless behaviour which has the country in the state it is in, and they haven’t got the resources to deal with the serious criminality that currently abounds. 

They don't seem to have much of an answer to anything these days that makes sense. A legal response to prostitution will not work. The legal response to trafficking or involuntary prostitution is already there and needs to be properly resourced. The only response to voluntary prostitution that has a chance of success, is no different to what the entire country is in need of, and that's an economic one. 

It's the economy, stupid, and to the good people behind Ruhama I say, if prayer has worked for you for the past 2000 years, then back into your enclosed orders and the protection of high walls and continue with your excellent life of prayer, rest assured, we won't be disturbing you with the ills of the world.

One of the things that I love about this forum is that people bring up lots of controversial topics and are as a rule readily willing to voice their opinion. It does sometimes feel that there is no middle ground though. You either go one way or the other and anyone who sits in the middle, just can't be telling the truth. However, that often seems to be where I sit.

This has caused me to take a look at myself. Am I trying to kid myself? Am I unintentionally just saying what the guys want to hear? Am I doing things wrong? The thing is, I don't know about anyone else, but I didn't get here by following someone elses example. I didn't have someone to show me the ropes and I've never worked in a parlour or been given a job description criteria, so I have literally taken my previoius business knowledge and sexual experiences and combined the two to present myself as Poppy. 

Having worked for myself before, I have found that what ever you are selling people want a good product, someone who knows their product and a fair price. If you are selling a product that is exclusive and well made, then people are generally happy to pay more and willing to wait for the product if it is being made bespoke for them. I believe that the same goes for Escorting. I try and give an exclusive experience and one that will not just satisfy, but be something to remember. I make an effort to accomodate in pleasant surroundings, set the mood, have drinks at hand and good bathroom facilities (including clean dry towels). I then present myself in a way that I hope will be desirable, seductive and enchanting. This list goes on.

Moving from the business side of things there is also the point of job satisfaction. I get an incredible amount of job satisfaction from Escorting. When you meet someone who is nervous, excited or disjointed in their own life and by the time they leave you they have a huge smile on their face and look totally at ease and happy, then you just can't not feel good about yourself. When you get told that because of you they gone out and met a lady and they are now happy for the first time in years, because you gave them the confidence to date again, you can't help but feel proud. When you're told that they haven't had sex in 7 years and finally they feel like a man again, or you're being hugged and kissed by someone who was desperate just to be close to someone and feel special... how can you not know what you are doing is right?

I am an emotional person and yes sometimes my moods swing and I can go from elated to frustrated, then angry to overwhelmed, but I think this is who I am, this is what maybe sets me apart. I really do give a part of myself to everyone I meet and I do geniunely enjoy myself. I do respond to touch, to kisses, to the chemistry that passes between me and some of the clients. I do feel desire and I do get wet and I do orgasm.

I can't say that it is the same with everyone I meet. To say that would be lying. Sometimes I am instantly attracted, sometimes I am taken over by the skill of the person I am with and some times I find myself liking someone and wanting to make them happy, sometimes it is all 3. Which ever it is, the response is not fake, but led by a willingness to please and be pleased. A desire for enjoyment and fulfillment for both of us.  

There will always be times when you don't click with someone, or for one reason or another it is just not happening. Often you can tell by the phone call if there is a big character difference. If the person is abrupt, talks to you like you are a list of services and not a person, appears to have no idea who you are or asks you personal questions. When I come across people like this, I will usually tell them that I don't think I am right for them and they will need to look else where. I also have an age limit that I adhere to. I won't see anyone under the age of 21. I love young men, but younger than that and it feels wrong and I do have to keep within my comfort zone. I also won't see men over the age of 60. Yes there are some attractive older men and I have met some in the past, but I have also encountered men that reminded me of my Grandad and it felt wrong. Again it is my choice and I am happy with the decision that I have made.

It is important that I keep within my comfort zone and I also don't believe in over doing it workwise. The most men I have ever seen in one day while on tour is 5 and if I am honest, I was sooooo tired by the end of the day, I didn't work at all the next day. Since then 4 has been my maximum and that seems to be fine. However, if I'm not in the right frame of mind, or I'm tired, or I see someone for a longer booking, then I won't push myself. I want to give 100% every time and keep the smile on my face too, so for me it is important to work to a pace that suits.

The highlights have got to be the way that many clients treat me. I have been taken out for meals many times and had some wonderful times. I've been treated like a true lady, pampered, massaged, bought my favourite perfume (coco chanel) and introduced to coco mademoiselle, which I now have the perfume and the shower gel. I've been given flowers, chocolates, soda bread, cakes etc and quite frankly treated better than my ex husband ever treated me. It's wonderful to be appreciated, it's the most amazing feeling when someone (who doesn't need to) gives you something to just make you happy.

I'm not denying that there are down sides. There are times when you want to cry (or do in my case) when you get a zillion timewasters, or people trying to make trouble for you, or worse still other girls trying to put you down and break your spirit, but... being able to pay my bills, look after my son and save to make life easier in the future; being able to re-train in new skills and have a decent sex life without all the problems of a relationship and all the friends you make on the way, far ways out the bad side.

Of course it could be made better. I'd love to be able to be honest to my family and friends, but of course I can't. I'd love not to have to worry when touring that I may get kicked out of premises or have someone threaten me. I wish the government would stop trying to make out that all girls are trafficked and doing this against there will. Yes sort trafficking out, no one should go through that, but leave the geniune independent ladies alone and let them work in pairs, it's safer!

Something that might be difficult to understand, but is true. I've been single now for well over a decade. Before I started Escorting I was adamanent that I would not be in another relationship. I did not think that I was compatible with men mentally and where I still liked men, I just didn't think there was anyone out there for me. Thanks to Escorting I have learnt that I was putting way too much emphasis on looks before. What I had not considered is that where someone can start out being attractive and lose their attraction as you discover their true character, the same can be said in reverse. A good person has an inner beauty that sometimes is not apparent on first look, but when you get to know them, they really do shine. I've also found that people who I enjoy the company of and am sexually compatible with are good for me. I want to be with them and look forward to seeing them.

So... maybe, when I retire I will give myself a chance to settle down after all. I'm not ready yet, but I'm getting there and that is thanks to you!